Meeting Ella

Surgery began sometime around 8:00 PM. I remember blaring lights and the cold operating table. Wesley had to wait outside for what seemed like forever. The nurses and doctors talked to each other. They tested and poked me to make sure I was numb.  I remember Dr. Raine reviewing before they began. saying"Julie Duncan, 30 year old female, 40 weeks pregnant." For them, everything seemed very routine. For me, it felt like my whole life was about to change in an instant and I had no idea what was ahead.

I felt quite a lot of tugging and heard sucking sounds. Wesley was still outside and I was afraid they had forgotten him. I didn't him to miss anything. I didn't want to be so alone. I asked "can we bring in Wesley?" And Dr. Raine quickly asked for someone to go get dad.

I was so relieved to see Wesley soon by my side. I remember he held my hand so tight and we just waited in silence together.

Soon Dr. Raine asked, "Guys are you ready to meet your baby girl? She's beautiful." The room was absolutely silent. I remember seeing this little, blue, squishy, wet face briefly pop over the blue surgical curtain. Ella was here. But my heart sank. She wasn't moving or crying. I thought we were too late. I grabbed Wesley's hand even tighter. I looked up at the clock. It was 8:22 PM.

Ella's head then quickly disappeared as the NICU team assessed her. I remember hearing them talking softly, but the room was still way too quiet.

Soon someone came around the curtain holding Ella. She was cleaned off, wrapped up in a blanket and had a hat on. She was silent. She wasn't moving or crying. The NICU doctor said, "She still has a faint heartbeat. She's talking little shallow breaths. They will soon slow down."

Since I was on a surgical table and still in the midst of surgery, I couldn't really hold her like I would have wanted. They carefully balanced her on top of me. I touched her face and said "Hello beautiful girl. Its so nice to meet you." When she heard my voice, Ella's eyes flickered open for just a brief second and she looked at me. It was a precious moment I will always treasure. Her eyes quickly closed and never opened again. She took a few shallow breaths.

All of a sudden, a wave of nausea hit me. But I was determined to sing our "good night song" to Ella. The same lullaby we sing to Audrey every night. I knew Ella recognized it too. I tried to sing, but it is surprisingly difficult to sing in the middle of active abdominal surgery. Plus, I was terrified I was going to throw up all over Ella. Wesley gracefully took Ella off my chest as I, ungracefully, turned my head to the side and threw up in a bag.

I remember looking back and Wesley next to me. He looked so strong and brave. There he was in the middle of the operating room singing to our daughter. Ella took another shallow breath. He told her he loved her over and over. He took his surgical mask off and kissed Ella's sweet face. In that moment, I had never been so proud of him and so happy to have him as my husband and companion.

Wesley held Ella close to me as the doctors finished stitching me up. We talked to her. Told her we loved her. We marveled at her hair and looked at her cute nose. I know there were probably at least 10 people in that operating room, but everyone else melted away and it seemed like just the three us us and that time stood still.

After awhile, the NICU doctor came back. He silently unfolded the blanket and listened to Ella's chest with a stethoscope. He backed away, looked down and said she was gone.

It was 8:55 PM, surgery was over. It all happened so fast and slow at the same time. The doctors and nurses transferred me off the operating table and back to a bed. They wheeled me back to our L&D room while Wesley carried Ella down the hall behind me.